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Just woke up. Again.

Was awake for a long time, cold, wondering and worrying about the stupidity of me having life. As I daily do.

9.15 AM

Breakfast in the Mawson Woolies carpark and now it’s raining. Engine is running but I don’t know where I am going to go.

9.56 AM

Fluked a shower at Tuggeranong, for no cost many thanks. Saw cars parked as I went past. Other places closed.

11.30 AM

Constant rain but only light. Back now from a walk to Tuggeranong Dam, which I thoughtlessly didn’t remember existed. (From designs I saw as a kid.)

So the overpass of Athlon Rd isn’t a bridge but a dam wall.

7.10 PM

Been in Mawson carpark Athlon side since 3.

A couple of vehicles stopping by but leaving soon after. Really only me here.

Didn’t do much. Got a blanket from Tuggeranong.

So pleased and relieved to get Easter behind. What an ordeal.

Went straight past it previously. Absolutely sensational place, better than Kambah Pools for ease and length of accessible water. Must kayak it.

Met two young Parks and Wildlife officers, very special and magical people.

Turned out a terrific day, with a long walk exercise too.

So no one was at an obscure place near the dam by the lake. I pull in, get out the shower gear and a car comes in then another. Fucking sheep.

Guaranteed every time.

Now the wind has picked up and it’s fucking freezing. People drive out after realising nothing is here.

10.23 AM

At Weston Park. That was the flukiest shower I’ve had. It’s a tight parking section off Lady Denman Dr. So the dickhead left, and in comes another. My bucket is ready and hot. She walks to the water’s edge, a bit of a way, weirdly. Must be a lost sheep i thought.

She gets back in her car and doesn’t drive off. On the phone. My bucket is getting cold. ai go for it. She can’t see me but can see the water on the ground and hear the pump.

Quickly I dry and change, not shaving to save time.

Then in comes another car and parks right adjacent and ten seconds ago would have seen me naked through the back.

He’s a bastard, old, and stares at the wet ground. Problem.

I pack the last and as I drive off I hear “G’day” to the girl, who responds friendly, “is it only us?”

So I learn it’s a meeting and to be very fucking careful in the future.

Only just got away with it. That judgemental (looking) unhappy bastard would have driven right in next to me showering.

Now, here, no idea what I’m doing..Chewing through the horrible Easter days, though.

P S. Slept well but woke early, 3.50AM. Had a coffee then drove to the lake in front of parliament house for a toilet, which I desperately needed upon waking, really uncomfortable and worried, and then to Kings Park at 6 they were open thank heavens.

After the shower gad a look at this.

Government House.

And this earlier at the lake, moon reflected.

Windy overcast cooler Canberra morning. 4AM wake up, then into Kings Park where a Huntsman Spider walked across the windscreen in front of me, freaking me out.

Earlier. Doors open, hoping to flush out the spider if it is inside. I do not want to crash because of it.

Other dark shots.

These lights to the toilet shine directly into your eyes so you can’t see the path you’re walking on. It is sickening bad design.

Then out to Black Mtn Peninsula for a beaut view, including a balloon that I could hear as it ignited gas.

1.10 PM

Slow strange tough day. Ended up sleeping at the Peninsula-a great place-then to civic but the pool is closed for a few days: more unclear signage.

Out to a lake shower spot and a good shower in the quite dark cool weirdness. Lunch at Weston Park.

So I’m awake now, very late shower, had lunch, and somehow lost any urge to paint. Warmer in the van. People are out. Trying to be invisible and probably am all the time anyway.

3.10 PM

I’ve fluked a car space near civic and my infants school in a good location away from previously. Set up with window screens etc. so can only see how it goes. Should be safer than other places. Might get recognised though and a complaint.

Feeling very alone, and the effects of having no real family. And no home. My life might not end pretty. I think about it every day. Feeling it moreso as people have fun together even with friends.

Keen to get these days behind. I didn’t realise easter was such a bastard. Like Christmas, it’ll be an unspeakable relief once it’s gone.